Let's Chill Part 5 - Letter To My Ex - Rochelle's Perspective
Dear, Jay
Yes, I’m still referring to you as Jay because that’s all I know…well did know.
I’ve lost count of the number of times I have sat with my fingers balanced over these keys, gazing at a clear screen in light of the fact that it pains and saddens me so much to get everything I’m about to say off my chest.
It’s just over a year since my accident happened. I Thank God every day for allowing me to come out of it; I then remember the reason why It happened to begin with and having to live with that every day I am alive.
I ask myself every day did I love you too much? Did I say something out of line? Was I just not good enough for you? Then realise that you were and are just scum.
I won’t shed any more tears for you! I won’t starve myself because of you! My life no longer revolves around you…The man no, the little boy who stabbed me through the heart.
The pain you have caused me these past few months is unforgivable…The things I let myself do just to fill that missing space that you used to fill makes me sick!
When I saw that you had posted the birth of your daughter on Facebook I literally died inside. Suddenly my whole body was drenched with rage. Numb, I could not feel anything around me, my eyes were fixed on this new child that had been brought into the world. Everything then went silent and the only thing I could hear was the sound of my heart throbbing.
Remembering moments later that I had Chelsea’s note with her number with it I decided that I’d call her in a few days and in doing so to my disbelief she told me everything that had happened and it all made sense.
How could you Fuck her then come back to me a few hours later to Fuck me did you not respect me enough? It makes me sick to my stomach that I was apart of this all. All the lies that you told me honestly I hope you rot in Hell.
The psychological trauma you caused me because all I knew was to love you, take care of you and make love to you and the fact that it was all taken away so suddenly I had to go find it elsewhere.
All I wanted to do was feel loved even if it wasn’t real love; I let almost any and every male that approached me have a bite of my forbidden fruit until one guy made me realise the hard way that fucking every male to fill that void you left wasn’t the way to deal with things.
You’ve turned me into this broken mess, you fucked up my confidence, and I remember every single word you said, I remember how you made me feel like something special but look what you went on to do.
I had a day where I totally lost myself; I set out to do the unthinkable…
I stood across the road from your house; your front room lights were switched on so I saw everything that was happening. There she was your baby girl in your arms crying. The sky was dark and low; the air so chilled it hurt to breathe. Already the ground was laid white with frost and any water that had been liquid under the winter sun had become ice. I continued to look onwards as I saw Chelsea walk into the front room towards you with a baby bottle with what I presume was warm milk. Just seeing you two together made my stomach turn upside down with disgust but weirdly enough it made me happy to see you stepping up and playing your role as a father.
I placed my left hand over my mouth, the other rigidly clutching my stomach, my eyelids shut so tightly they began to fidget and shudder from the bullish force, as if the very corner of my eyes were being pricked with a needle, crying silent tears that ran down my cheeks because I knew if not for that accident I had that would have been me and you with OUR BABY!
Yes, I was PREGNANT Jay! I had no idea until the nurse came back with tests results for me telling me that the baby was lost due to the nature of the accident I had.
Can you for one minute imagine how I felt? To then realise that you would be having a baby with someone else just made me want to commit suicide; I didn’t want to live anymore Jay…This is what you done to me!
It feels like emptiness in your heart, a shear of nothingness that somehow takes over and holds your soul and threatens to kill you entirely unless you do it first. It gives you this heavy feeling that’s like the weight of the world is resting on your shoulders and there is nothing you can do to get out from under it.
I hope when you’re reading this you realise that I had your back 100%. I was down for you and your cause there was nothing I wouldn’t do for you and you know this so how you through it all away for some Netflix and Chill session I will never understand. Realise this letter isn’t for you or to make you feel bad but just letting you know that I’m finally over it all.
I’ve realised my worth, and there is now someone new in my life that I am looking to take seriously. Yes, I do still love you but did the unspeakable; I’m not sure if the love I have for you will fade away or not but I do know it’s about time I start being happy again and move on with my life.
I wish you all the best in life Jay you and your daughter because if I’m being honest Chelsea can go fuck herself even though I have nothing against her but she still fell victim of the most obvious male scumbag move by accepting your ‘LET’S CHILL’ offer.
From The One You Let Slip Away,
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